In a city that shouldn’t exist… a young woman that -against her own wishes sometimes- very much exists, is passing time by perusing the virtually endless stream of content provided by social media.
A continuous parade of reactions to entertain her in her inaction, a means to keep the mind active above slumber but below focused critical thought.
Will she remember the news she just passed by? Would any outrage elicited by what she’s seeing stick with her tomorrow?
“Hey Jo, do you like who you are?”
…
Jo, or rather Jill, then stopped scrolling on her phone so quickly you’d be forgiven for thinking someone had a gun trained on her.
She then turned to Anna. To her ghostly, sometimes present, almost always unwanted companion. Jill’s expression of indignation and confusion was met with Anna’s own sincere intrigue underlined by an everpresent amusement.
What kind of question was that? Where did it come from? What game is she playing today?
“…HWAT?!”
Is what Jill finally managed to say after all the associated expletives she wanted to add both before and after her vocalization jammed on her throat and failed to come out.
“A couple of minutes ago you scrolled through one of those pseudo philosophical posts that-”
“Why the fuck are you peeping on my screen?!” Jill interrupted grumbling through semi-gritted teeth.
“It’s one of those where someone says something ultimately nice but everyone’s like ‘oh my gosh, you’ve rewired my brain’…” Anna commented in a semi-mocking tone, ignoring Jill’s protests and floating around the table, pretending to make herself comfortable on the other side “I mean, it’s not really something inherently bad, better the kids have self-care breakthroughs than being radicalized with harmful ideologies, but…”
“Prraaahhhh…”
“…but…”
…
Anna’s train of thought and Jill’s ongoing confusion stopped for the briefest of moments as Fore, Jill’s beloved blue-eyed black cat let out a yawn from his position at the center of the table that would make any antique flower vase jealous.
As if the mood reset the moment the yawn ended, Anna continued, refocused on her main point.
“The post was something like ‘you become the kind of person you needed the most at your lowest’” She resumed gesturing with her one hand like she’s mimicking a billboard.
Jill turned her attention away from her phone to try and see where Anna was going with this.
“It’s a bit reductive if you ask me.” Anna continued, waving her one hand dismissively “One is just as likely to become a portrait of generational trauma. You might indeed become what you thought was the sort of person you needed, but never become aware that just because you thought that was the right thing it doesn’t necessarily mean-”
“Prrr…”
…
Once again, Anna’s train of thought and Jill’s attention were diverted when Fore decided to uncurl himself and stretch belly up before falling asleep again mid-stretch.
…
“Still though…” Anna finally added, determined now to finish her idea “Do you like who you are? Do you feel you’re the sort of person you’d need in your life?”
Jill’s gaze was lost somewhere between Anna and the table as she gave that some thought.
Self-reflection has never been one of Jill’s strong points. Even though people have found her comments very insightful, she’s never been good at turning that insight inwards, towards herself.
To even begin answering the question would require her to be able to vocalize who she thinks she is, how she thinks she is. And the truth is that even the self-deprecating comments that would pour out in the effort would be very generalized.
“…what do you think?” Jill finally said.
“I think you either ignore me and the question entirely, or try to give an attempt at a proper answer.” Anna replied, showing a satisfied grin when Jill let out a deeply frustrated groan.
She COULD ignore the question, stop the conversation. It wouldn’t be the first time she dismisses a comment made by this apparition and it certainly wouldn’t be the last… and yet she didn’t want to do that this time.
Why?
“You become the kind of person you needed the most at your lowest.”
Did she? She’s felt like she’s made enough bad decisions to last her the rest of her life instead. If that’s what she needed, then…
“The keyword is ‘become’, Jo…” Anna interjected “Not who you are intrinsically or have been before, but who you develop into, and then project that backwards.”
“Is this the ‘your thoughts are all over the screen’ nonsense you’ve talked about before?” Jill asked, shaken -though less so by habit- at Anna’s ability to apparently read her mind.
“No, there’s been no screens for a while now…” Anna then looked visibly annoyed as she added “…it’s just been awfully noisy lately.”
“Noisy with what?” Jill asked.
“Nobody in particular.” Anna sighed “Anyway, remember. Becoming, not being born one way or anything like that.”
It was clear by Jill’s expression that this clarification didn’t help.
“You’re not gonna tell me an ex-teenage goth lacks the creativity to picture herself bantering with a copy of herself. That’s like… Alternative Fashion Kid 101 behavior.”
Jill felt an implicit insult she couldn’t get her mind out of. She had a really hard time, sure, but now she was DETERMINED to prove this pesky spirit wrong.
“The pesky pot calling the kettle black.” Anna said directed at nobody in particular before adding for the benefit of a very confused Jill “I’m just thinking out loud, don’t mind me.”
After a groaning sigh, Jill returned to her herculean attempts at self-reflection.
To speak with herself… or in its absence, to speak with someone that is like herself…
Is there anyone that is like her enough to project that idea into?
“Hm…”
Alma did say Gaby was turning out to be a lot like Jill, a comment that concerned Jill deeply, but there was something that didn’t quite click about it. Yes, Jill understood where Alma came from with that comment, but there’s a very evident difference.
Compared to Jill, Gaby is more… curious? no, “curious” isn’t the right word. Jill is most certainly curious, she’d readily admit as much. That was definitely one commonality with her adopted little sister.
No… “Inquisitive” is the word she was looking for. Gaby asks a lot of questions, and even when she isn’t explicitly asking them she’s prodding for answers in the way she talks.
Jill is receptive to any new information in front of her, certainly. But she definitely admires how Gaby is willing to ask questions about everything, wanting to fill any gaps in her understanding no matter how small instead of quietly hoping she’ll eventually find an answer somehow.
So, someone curious but not inquisitive. Someone receptive to what you’ve got to say but only insofar as you’re willing to say it…
Jill would agree someone like that wouldn’t be bad company, yes.
“You should also consider things people call you.” Anna interjected as if knowing how the gears in Jill’s brain were turning “You know, the small comments where something you did warrants someone going out of their way to comment on a trait of yours”.
Almost immediately, words in a specific voice rang through Jill’s head.
“Honey, you’re always so attentive~”
“Attentive, huh…”
Three days ago Jill gave Dorothy a new handkerchief. This was prompted by Dorothy mentioning a few days further earlier how one would be handy but she always forgets to buy it.
Was she attentive though? Then again, Dorothy isn’t the kind to lie, in fact she’s called Jill things like “dummy” and “stubborn flatfish” and “precious empty-headed chipmunk” for any number of mishaps big and small. And still, it’s not the first time she’s called Jill “attentive” either.
…but again, was she? It’s not really something Jill puts a conscious effort into.
…
…
…this felt to Jill like the part where Anna interjects with something with uncanny timing.
But when she looked at her, Jill felt for a moment like she saw a different person.
This unstable apparition was still in the shape of a beautiful young woman after all, and for a brief instant Jill saw her with fresh eyes. Not the weird phenomenon that orbits around her, not the curious girl that dropped by her old workplace one December…
As Anna had her sight and attention lost to one side, smiling gently and full of pride, Jill could swear that for the briefest of blinks she saw the Anna behind the teasing and infuriating behavior… before recognition reasserted itself, at least.
“Becky is such a sweet girl…” Anna said, her voice full of joy.
“Annoyingly observant too.” Jill added in agreement, her voice full of as much tenderness as Anna’s.
On a random day while Jill was still working in her first bar, Dorothy made a comment on how she learned about her guardian’s deceased daughter.
To hear of Anna from someone else, someone else in her life no less, wasn’t just a surreal coincidence but an unwelcome revelation that Anna wasn’t a product from Jill’s ailing brain, and all the questions this brought with itself.
“So, the word is ‘attentive’…” Anna said, going back to her normal expression.
“Can you stop reading my damn thoughts?! It’s bad enough that every fucking device is tracking everything I do.”
“You said the word out loud yourself, though.”
“…”
…
Trying to ignore the feeling of your own words being shoved back down your own throat, Jill tried to make the conversation move forwards.
“Yeah, yeah… ‘attentive’, but I’m not sure. That’s not really something I think about that much.”
“Oh look at you, being so effortlessly attentive that you don’t even think about it.”
“I don’t know about it being effortless…”
“So it is something you put thought into?”
“I…”
“Which one is it, then?”
“Um…”
“Why do you like putting yourself down like that, Jo? I know you’re a bottom, but this is silly.”
“Fine!” Jill conceded throwing her hands in the air “I’m attentive, happy?”
“This isn’t about me to begin with, though.”
Jill then covered her face with her own hands and muffled a scream.
“I hate you…”
“No you don’t.” Anna retorted confidently.
“Well, if you know me that well why don’t you fucking tell me the answer instead of having me do all these mental laps?”
“Because if I told you from the start that you’re an attentive good listener you would’ve been like ‘What the fuck do you want?’ or ‘What are you playing?’ or ‘Like hell I am’.” Anna said while mimicking Jill’s mannerisms.
Jill opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it.
Once again, mouth open, this time with an inhalation… and then closed.
Then closed harder, lips inwards.
Then another muffled scream while shaking in place.
“What do you want from me?” Jill said while rubbing her face with both hands.
“Oh don’t want nothing and even if I did I’m getting it without even trying.” Anna exclaimed stifling a laugh “You’re the one that got sidetracked here.”
Did she, though? This all started because Jill was remembering Dorothy calling her attentive, and then…
…
…okay, fine. Jill was the one that got sidetracked.
Why did she remember that to begin with?
“You become the kind of person…” Anna started saying as if to refresh Jill’s memory.
“Right, that shit…” Jill confirmed.
So someone that’s attentive, someone that pays attention but only insofar as it’s offered…
…isn’t that also just being attentive, though?
“Well, if it is you’ve got the hypothetical girl you would’ve needed at your lowest.” Anna offered. “No need to overthink all the extra details.”
“Hmm…”
“Really, no need to overthink any of this. A normal person would’ve learned AND thought about the grandfather paradox in the time it’s taken you to think this one through.”
Jill then repeated “MY LOWEST MY LOWEST MY LOWEST” in her mind over and over as much to refocus her line of thinking as to shut off Anna’s snark.
There’s only one thing that comes to mind, really the only thing that she’d call her lowest point despite all the other bad moments in her past.
The fight with Lenore, the last time they talked.
Would she have needed someone that’s-…
…
Jill’s face then went completely blank as this whole mental exercise showed its true face.
You become the kind of person you needed the most at your lowest.
Would she have needed someone like who she is right now that day?
…
What would she say to herself that day?
Not as Jill to Jill, but as Jill to a complete stranger that went through the exact same problem as her?
…
Now Jill was focused, and didn’t notice Anna watch intently as the gears in her own head started spinning faster and faster.
A stranger in her situation at that point…
She would definitely avoid bringing up things like “you should go back” or “what if it’s that’s the last thing you say to each other?”. That’s all obvious, that’s the sort of thing that the stranger would be offended to hear because they know that already.
…
Jill would probably tell this stranger that they’re not wrong in feeling the way they did. Whatever scuffle happened is none of her business, but normal people don’t react that strongly out of nowhere. The pain felt is as valid as the pain caused.
…
“What now…?” Jill mumbled under her breath.
The one question she never asked herself for years. Not until Gaby went to the bar and made her face the question directly.
She’s asked herself that “What now”, and the Jill that came out the other side of that question would in turn pose the question to this identical stranger.
Which means… she’s become the sort of person that can ask herself “What now?” when she should’ve asked herself exactly that the most.
…
“So, got your answer?” Anna asked.
Jill’s silence was the confirmation Anna needed, so she then asked…
“Then pray tell me, sweet dear Jo: Did you become the kind of person you needed the most at your lowest?”
“I guess…” Jill admitted in a tone that was less uncertainty and more an internalized reluctance to boast anything positive about herself despite the crashing realization that just occurred.
“Yay!” Anna threw her one hand upwards and spectral confetti rained down in a small sputter. “And it only took you-”
“Don’t.” Jill interrupted. “So, what about you?”
“Hm? Me? Oh no no no no. In fact not only ‘No’ but ‘Hells No’.” Anna exclaimed
“…eh?”
“Jo, I’m a mess of obfuscation, avoidance, and deflection. I couldn’t give you a straight answer even if I was anywhere close to heterosexual and my life depended on it.”
“…”
“Forget my lowest, I pity any past version of me that thinks my current self is anywhere near acceptable!”
As Anna laughed declaring this, Jill’s face contorted in bafflement.
Part of it was her sheer aplomb with which Anna declared all this.
Part of it was feeling cheated out of a serious answer after Jill put such earnest effort in.
But perhaps the most infuriating thing is the fact that this got Anna out of the question entirely and it didn’t occur to Jill to pull that.
…
In fact, Jill didn’t have to do this to begin with! She was given the option to bail out, so why is she even mad that Anna actually chose to bail out of the question herself?
Jill opened her mouth like she was gonna say something and closed it.
She stood up, opened her mouth, pointed at Anna, inhaled…
…then closed her hand into a fist, shook that fist close to her chest in frustration, and exhaled.
“I need a shower…” she grumbled while walking out defeated.
Anna laughed her victory chuckle… at least until she noticed Fore.
Fore, on his back, belly up, and limbs spread in all cardinal directions; stared his upside-down, judgemental, and impassive icy blue stare towards Anna.
“What?” Anna said to Fore “Is it my fault that she immediately forgot all the emotional breakthroughs that just happened because she felt slightly indignant?”
Fore considered this briefly and then, having passed his judgement on the situation, closed his eyes back to his earlier meditative state.
“Besides, I didn’t bail out…” Anna mumbled to herself, slightly hurt.
She gave a look at Jill’s phone on the other side of the table, the device that started this whole conversation to begin with and sighed.
“If I became what I needed… at least that’d mean I’m out of the weeds for once, right?”
VA-11 Hall-A: Self-loving Tango
Written by: Fernando Damas (@ironiclark)
Illustration by: Nashira (@nashirasauce)